Timing is everything when learning how to live in the moment

Introspective themes tend to show up in my life when I need them. It’s kind of weird, really.
2011 was “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”
2012 was “I don’t want to be “that” person.” (this is defined in my head)
2013 seems to want me to learn how to “live in the moment” and learn how to say “thank you” to my peers.
Big lessons for me.

Living in the moment

I am a contingency plan person. I am a “play out every freaking scenario to make sure you have thought of everything” kind of gal. It feeds into the “control freak” side of who I am.
Control the environment; control the people = less pain.

Maybe its because I am the oldest child. (I am partially defined by where I fall in line)
Maybe its the ridiculous need to control everything to protect myself as much as possible (I am a product of my upbringing)
Maybe its because I want to fix problems (I am…this is complicated)
Maybe I need a lot more therapy, lol. (I am the sum of my experiences)

The downside: working through all the “What if’s” is extremely limiting and frankly, creatively and spiritually stifling.

Learning to say “thank you”

I am terrible at saying “thank you” when someone compliments me; especially for my vocal abilities.
For some reason I feel the need to make excuses or apologize for what I see as vocal shortcomings or maybe even for the fact that I can sing.
I honestly don’t know why I do this. It’s annoying. I know it’s annoying.
I hear myself doing it and there is part of me that is saying “OMG, shut up, shut up! Just say thanks.”

Maybe I do it because I always think I can do better, especially in the eyes of those who I respect. (I am my worst critic)
Again, maybe I need a lot more therapy, lol.

So… this is really just a very long winded “thank you” to those of you who call me out on these short comings.
You continue to make me think about why I do what I do and don’t do, and more than anything, you inspire me at the right time.
Please continue to do so and I promise to keep working at it.

Here’s to an inspiring and musically fulfilling 2013.

I am so grateful and humbled.
Oh and THANK YOU!!!!!

I dream of the sea and my mother

The sea swirls and casts thousands of fish at me, but I can’t find my mother.

Holding my daughter, I run down the stairs and outside to the foreign scene.
“Where is she?” My eyes search the seaside road.
I want to get some of the fish that are now desperately trying to find their way back to their blue home.
The birds are feasting. People are are running to grab some of the bounty.
But all I want to do is find my mother.

My eyes desperately continue to search.

This little red foreign car suddenly is pulling in and stops in front of me.
My mother get out of the car.
She is young, vibrant a beautiful. I would say she is in her young 20’s.

She is carrying an armful of random bags and groceries.
“Look what I found!” she says as she opens a container of baby arugula and gnocchi that is covered in red sauce.
They are almost completely gone. She is so excited. She is full of youthful life.

I stand staring at her in dismay.
“Mom do you know what is coming? We have to get everything that is on the bottom floor to the top floors!”

The fish have all been taken.

I wake up.