Starting my day by heading to Wal-Mart with a baby in tow is not where I thought I would be right now.
My job, like so many others already have, has ended. I am not really dealing with it very well.
A job has never defined me really, but it has given me purpose. It’s given me power. It’s given me confidence.
I have always been able to provide for myself and while my family will be fine, I don’t like giving up that power. I feel vulnerable and frankly, weak. Not words I like to define myself by.
Look, I know there are many out there that say mothering is the most difficult job there it. I am not going to argue that at all. It’s a bitch sometimes. You give up freedom, SLEEP, spontaneity, showers on a regular basis, a sex life, etc. I know that I have a job raising Livi and that it’s more important than anything else I can be doing right now, but why don’t I believe that yet? I SUCK.
Why do I respect other homemaker’s but yet don’t want that title? Maybe I am just lying to myself when I say that I do. Again, I seriously SUCK.
Welcome to your new life.
Oh, Sharay-ray.
I can relate with you on the deepest of levels, even though our circumstances are different. Why is it that we can accept the roles on an intellectual level, understand the importance of them, respect others for fulfilling them, and yet, not have the *willingness* to play them ourselves?
For women who can usually “mind” our way out of everything, there are some things that just don’t work if you don’t have the emotional willingness; the resentment and dismay seep through the facade eventually.
Inside me there is a “frustrated Diva”, screaming: “Can’t you see I’m dying in here?! This is not “me” – I’m supposed to be like the woman in “Eat-Pray-Love”…living an extraordinary life, not scooping dog poop and folding laundry!”
So we keep the inner Diva/Drama Queen drunk – on wine, on art, on work, on music – whatever will quell her desperate wails. We hide her so well, that people forget she’s there, and then, we get angry at the world for forgetting about her, for she MUST be recognized. Ahh, the paradox…
Or perhaps I am wrong about what you are feeling, and am merely superimposing my ego(Diva) on your story to feel less alone. Two words: forgive yourself.
Take heart, sisterfriend.
-Mason
Ray-Ray – You know I love you and relate to the feelings you are having, I sympathize – I truly do. However, the only thought that keeps going through my mind right now is…. “Seriously, you call that a laundry pile? HA! Come over!”
Love ya!
Keri
I know this is very insensitive but that sounds amazing to me. Want to come do office work and bartend? I guess the grass is always greener…..